
Author: Aldous Niu
Summary: This fairy story is basing on the Movie “Pan’s Labyrinth”, the story and life about the Ofelia’s little brother, it’s the continuous story of the movie. Guys, to be honest, it's my first time to write the fairy, comments please, don't be shy, haha^_^
Rating: Teen
Genre: Fairy
“If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended,That you did but slumber’d here while these visions did appear.And this weak and idle theme is no more yielding then a dream.”
--------William Shakespeare
--------William Shakespeare
“Little brother, can you hear me? Please grow up fast, mother and I have a hard and frustrating time in this gloomy, freezing and old house, in this bloody and cruel world. I’m going to tell you a fairy story…” When Ofelia faces to the pregnant mother’s stomach, the tears' coming out full of her beautiful and innocent face, just like some small elf playing the water ball, sad, sorrow,emotional can be described her feeling . Her little brother is sleeping peacefully inside it, she extremely feels so lonely and sadness but nobody understands her. She hate the captain, the cruel devil which can be seen the killing master during the civil war. She will never know that her little brother in her mother’s stomach can hear and understand everything she’s talking about because he is a very special boy who was born with the strong powerful magic.
Some days later, when Captain Vidal was killed by the civilian members, he said in a peaceful and pride accent.
“Tell my son the time his father died. Tell him…”
-“No, he won’t even know your name.” Answered Mercedes full of the anger.
After Ofelia died, her little brother was brought up by the civilian members. He is such a quite good looking boy, talent but quite and lonely. He goes up into the mountain to be alone and to think, and also the civilian members let him because he is such a silent boy. In his mind, he doesn’t know that where is he come from, who are his parents. He only knows that he got an aunt called Mercedes and all the civilian members can be seen the big family for him. They are gentle and care everything about him in his life. However, there is one thing he still remember in his unclear memory, he got the dream every night, it is so strange that the dream in each night is totally the same, he dreams that he was living in a kind of place which full of the water, he seems like a sweet sleepy baby peacefully lying in there, he can see a girl outside the place and sounds like a angel to tell him the beautiful fairy story and sings the nice song for him every night. He believes that one day the Angel will come to him again. From time to time, he starts to smile yes but it’s a dark, quiet smile that looks like he’s mocking himself when he smiles. He is forced to smile because he wants the big family be happy even though the shadow still hide in his heart. He likes to sing though, the song which the Angle sang for him in his dream, he sings the song when he’s alone and thinks Mercedes isn’t listening. He dances sometimes with shadows that only he sees. Pedro has taken to call him the spoilt dandy, because he primps and is such a gentle child.

He’s eight now, and such a serious boy. Not given at all to fancy. Mercedes had thought early on to tell him the stories from his sister’s books because she had loved him so and died to protect him. But the boy had fixed her with those grim eyes he takes from the dead and looked away. Mercedes shivered a little when he stared at her like that, remembering, and put the books away.
On Sundays, he sneaks away from their home and goes town to watch Franco's Army as they pass. He’ll sit in Plaza watching the horses and cars pass and stare into the ocean of baby blue uniforms, searching. Pedro asked him once, in frustration, why he loved the show so much and explained to him why they should be hated. The boy had listened quietly, nodding in obedience and said nothing.
As an infant, he favoured his mother but as he grows Mercedes sees the better parts of him shake off like autumn leaves. He’ll look like his father. He looks like him now: with those piercing eyes, strong jaw, hair as black as ink. The seriousness in his face, gravity in his voice when he chooses to speak; all of them scare her even though she doesn’t show it. She just waits.
He’s wonderful of course. Loving in his own way and dedicated to the family, even to the Cause. He ran errands for the guerillas several times, stole from Nationalist shipments and even guarded a captured soldier once, all because Pedro told him too. He never questioned them, or seemed afraid.
He’s wonderful of course. Loving in his own way and dedicated to the family, even to the Cause. He ran errands for the guerillas several times, stole from Nationalist shipments and even guarded a captured soldier once, all because Pedro told him too. He never questioned them, or seemed afraid.
He’s such an obedient child. He never asks about his family. He knows he’s named after a doctor friend of theirs that died before he was born. Mercedes told him about his sister, and his mother. He suddenly finds that the Angle in his dream is his sister. He listened and nodded but never pressed for retellings or details. It is totally different that he never feel emotional and sad maybe angry about the story which Mercedes told him. He is completely dumb in his mind. And even though she knows he wants to, he never asked about his father. Early on, they had told him he was Pedro’s son, from a love affair long ago. He had told them simply that it was a lie and never spoke of it again.
He wonders but does not ask. Instead he sits in the mountains, on that perch overlooking the old ruins of the Mill that long since burnt down and was abandoned, and stares at the Labyrinth’s mouth.
Speaking to shadows that no one sees but he.
And Mercedes waits, knowing. It’s only a matter of time.
She can feel it ticking away, there is a really bad feeling that something evil things will be come to this boy… One day, the day full of the cloud and wind, the leaves from the trees follow the wind and dancing in the air, like praying something. He is peacefully walking out of the house, the dumb emotion on his smiling face, he knows that it’s the time for him to find the Angle, to find his sister Ofelia, to come to the fairy world where got no sadness, no crying , no darkness, no war, no cold…However, he will never knows that there is no fairy world in the true life, he must face the truth, he can’t live in his magical mind anymore. When he slightly jumped into the mountain gap, he is kind of feeling like flying, so natural, no hurting anymore,he knows he’s flying to a new world, a world always in his mind as it used to be…
13 comments:
hi Aldous. Good effort!!
I don't know the story that you are basing your fanfic on tho....
But I really liked it. It's easy to read in terms of knowing what is happening.
I will look forward to reading final work of yours!! Good luck!!
One quesion, is the name Mercedes from the original story or did you just make it up? Coz Mercedes is from a car brand, Mercedes Benz so I couldn't help thinking about it....
Aldous, well done:D
I loved Pan's Labyrinth and you've managed to capture some of the best parts from it and put it into the story.
You use strong and powerful words which makes me imagine the story in my head.
When you write that he looks like his father i almost get angry, because of all the evil his father did.
I also loved how you started off with quoting Shakespeare, it set the mood.
it is mysterious, almost cold yet exciting.
I am very impressed Aldous:D
To yoshie:^_^
Arigatoo,yoshie san.I strongly recommend u to watch that spanish movie 'Pan's Labyrinth', really a fantastic movie I have never seen before, it's totally different from the Hollywood movie, a fairy movie specially directed for adult. It reflect the darkness, cruelness, and shadow of the Civil War. Sorry about my poor vacabularies that I still got some more ideas coming to my mind.
Hey Aldous,
Good job, i am not familiar with this movie, however i have heard that it is a good movie and after reading your story am very tempted to go rent it.
Even though i haven't watched it though i was still able to enjoy your story and knew what was going on. I loved the pictures they were so appropiate and really added to the story.
I also really love the phrase 'shake off like autumn leaves' in regards to his feelings.
Well done it is looking great.
Hey Aldous i think you have captured the bittersweet essence of Pans Labrynth i agree with Ida about the shakespeare qoute its a nice connection with your story. i also like the twist on the boys inherited character traits it kinda keeps with the dark theme of the original story.
The only suggestion i have for you really is maybe check your grammar, sometimes you lose me,
however i quickly find my way back into the story, and it's only a odd few places.
But they want us to come up with improvements etc.
oh and maybe you could bring some of the creatures his sister encountered?
such as the faun..
I am not saying it will make the story better, but he can see them in his dreams or see their reflections in mirrors and windows?
I still really like this story, and it makes me wanna see the film again.
Hi Aldous. I read it again!! and this is my second comment, trying to follow the Focused Critique method.
I can tell you have a lot of ideas (as you told me in the reply to my last comment). It is nice to read a faific that is rich in ideas.
I have a couple of suggestions though. Firstly, this is same with mine but I think the grammar in this fanfic needs some level of improvement.
Secondly, you might want to try to use variety of vobabulary to make the fanfic richer. For example, the sentense, "He is such a quite good looking boy, talent but quite and lonely." Here ,you used the term "quiet" twice. Maybe you could try the Shift+F7 to find another word which means the same or similar. I think the word "passive" may work in this context.
Okay, that's all from me. I hope this helped.
Good luck with creating your final fanfic work!
To IdaPida:
Thanx for ur comments and suggestions, I really appreciate it. Yep, I got the serious grammer mistakes, so that there is no doubt that I need to correct the problem, and also that it's such a good idea I should creat some new place into the story and not just focusing on the writing of the boy. In addition, thanx for that u help me to put the Faun, or maybe I need to creat a new character
To yoshie:
Arigatoo, it can be seen a clear problem that I really don't know how to organise the vacabulary to describe the emotional of the character.
Well, I'd like to learn from u guys some more and u guys can be teachers for me
Hey Aldous,
It is me again. I was thinking about the quote that you used at the beginning. What an awesome idea, it gives real vilidity to your story to have the words of someone famous with a lot of credibility. This credibility runs onto your story.
Just an idea, instead of always referring to the brother as he, try using slightly different titles like 'the young boy' or 'the child'. this just mixes it up alittle.
You are doing a great job. And you started the trend of everyone using pictures, how does it feel to be the start of something big.
Keep up the good work.
or create a new fantasy character yes..
because u refer to the boy as special, yet we never hear much about it..
he is bound to see and experience some of the same things as his sister.
I just mentioned the faun because i like the character hehe..
Okay, I'm going to post two things,
First my critique and kind of a review of your fantastic fanfic :>
And the second, I'm gonna edit the whole thing for you to educate a little bit, to show you how to make it flow. I hope you don't mind, but I think it's amazing but would be so much more with corrected grammar :>.
Okay, here's my critique.
I really really loved Pan's labyrinth too, and you really have captured the bittersweet story,
which uses the fantasy as a veil for the atrocity of Ofelia's, or in this case her brother's reality.
The words you choose are very effective, and paint a clear and disturbing image of this boy.
And this really is a powerfully drawn character, the way you outline his life, it's so sorrowful but beautiful and everything makes sense in the big picture.
the way he mocks himself is so sad, and his feelings of hollowness and maybe abandonment really show through in his behaviour and the way others react to him/ the way you described him.
I feel it was a really fitting and realistic extension to the movie, because their really would have been a sad and horrible repercussion for generations after the war. We really couldn't expect a happy ending.
Keep working on your English vocab and grammar, because your ideas and storytelling talent should be done justice!
As this is after all a writing class, I thought I'd do my best to help you in your English writing by editing your original text. Your ideas really deserve it! :>
“If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended,That you did but slumber’d here while these visions did appear.And this weak and idle theme is no more yielding then a dream.”
--------William Shakespeare
“Little brother, can you hear me? Please grow up fast, mother and I have a hard and frustrating time in this gloomy, freezing and old house, in this bloody and cruel world. I’m going to tell you a fairy story…” When Ofelia faces her pregnant mother's stomach, tears filling her beautiful and innocent face, like a small elf playing with a water ball, her feelings can be described as sad, sorrowful. Her little brother is sleeping peacefully inside, she feels extremely lonely and sad, but nobody understands her. She hates the captain, the cruel devil who is seen as the master of killing during the civil war.She will never know that her little brother in her mother’s stomach can hear and understand everything she’s talking about, because he is a very special boy who is to be born with strong, powerful magic.
Some days later, when Captain Vidal was killed by civilians, he said in a calm and proud voice:
“Tell my son the time his father died. Tell him…”
-“No, he won’t even know your name.” Answered Mercedes, full of anger.
After Ofelia died her little brother was brought up by the civilians. He is quite a good looking boy, talented, but quiet and lonely. He goes up into the mountain to be alone and to think, and the civilian members let him because he is such a silent boy.
In his mind, he doesn't know where he comes from or who his parents are.He only knows that he has an aunt called Mercedes and that all the civilians are like one big family for him. They are gentle and take care of everything in his life.However, there is one thing he still remembers in his unclear memory, he has a dream every night, its so strange that the the dream is exactly the same every night. He dreams that he is living in a kind of place that is full of water, he seems like a sweet, sleepy baby peacefully lying there. He can see a girl outside the place and she sounds like an angel as she tells him a beautiful fairy story and sings a nice song for him every night. He believes that one day the Angel will come to him again.From time to time, he starts to smile, yes, but it's a dark, quiet smile, that looks like he's mocking himself.. He is forced to smile because he wants his big family to be happy, even though a shadow still hides in his heart. He likes to sing though, the song which the Angel sang for him in his dream, he sings the song when he's alone and thinks Mercedes isn't listening. He dances sometimes with shadows that only he sees. Pedro has taken to calling him the Spoilt Dandy, because he primps and is such a gentle child.
[Photo]
He's eight now, and such a serious boy. Not given at all to fancy. Mercedes had thought early on to tell him the stories from his sister's books because she had loved him so and died to protect him. But the boy had fixed her with those grim eyes that he takes from the dead, and then looked away.Mercedes had shivered a little when he stared at her like that, remembering, and then put the books away.
On Sundays, he sneaks away from home and goes to town to watch Franco's Army as they pass. He'll sit in the plaza watching the horses and cars pass, and stare into the ocean of baby blue uniforms, searching. Pedro asked him once, in frustration, why he loved the show so much and explained to him why they should be hated. The boy had listened quietly, nodding in obedience, and said nothing.
As an infant, he favoured his mother but as he grows Mercedes sees the better parts of him shake off like autumn leaves. He'll look like his father. He looks like him now: with those piercing eyes, a strong jaw and hair as black as ink.The seriousness in his face, gravity in his voice when he chooses to speak; all of them scare her even though she doesn't show it. She just waits.
He's wonderful of course. Loving in his own way and dedicated to the family, even to the Cause. He ran errands for the guerillas several times, stole from Nationalist shipments and even guarded a captured soldier once, all because Pedro told him to.He never questioned them, or seemed afraid.
He's such an obedient child. He never asks about his family. He knows he's named after a doctor friend of theirs that died before he was born. Mercedes told him about his sister, and his mother.He suddenly finds that the angel in his dream is his sister. He listened and nodded but never pressed for retellings or details. It is very strange that he never felt emotional or sad about the story Mercedes told him, maybe only angry.He is completely dumb in his mind, And even though she knows he wants to, he never asks about his father. Early on, they had told him he was Pedro's son, from a love affair long ago. He had told them simply that it was a lie, and never spoke of it again.
He wonders but does not ask. Instead he sits in the mountains , on that perch overlooking the old ruins of the mill that long since burnt down and was abandoned, and stares at the Labyrinth's mouth.
Speaking to shadows that no one sees but he.
And Mercedes waits, knowing, It's only a matter of time.
She can feel it ticking away, a really bad feeling that something evil will happen to this boy…
One day, a day full of cloud and wind, the leaves from the trees following the wind and dancing in the air, as if praying to something. He is peacefully walking out of the house, the dumb look on his smiling face, he knows that it's the time for him to find the angel, to find his sister Ofelia, to go to the fairy world where there is no sadness, no crying, no darkness, no war, no cold…However, he will never know that there is no fairy world in real life, he must face the truth, he cant live in his magical mind anymore. When he slightly jumps into the mountain's divide, it kind of feels like flying, so natural, no hurting anymore, he knows hes flying to a new world, a world always in his mind as it used to be…
Hope this helps you !!
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